My Weird Letters To Corporations

After working for two months at a horrible customer service-oriented company, Media Play, I realized that these places take customer complaints, especially letters, very seriously. I decided to begin writing outlandish letters to companies to see if the companies would treat me as a sane individual. They did! About half of them did, at least, and they often sent me gift certificates to maintain my loyalty. Here are two excerpts from letters I sent off, and the responses. As my alias, I used the names “Freeda” or “Fred O. Eressione”–you know, Freedom of Expression.

In my letter to Payless Shoe Stores, I claimed I saw abnormal things going on in the store:

“…I was visiting your store last month, and I saw a sight I will never be able to remove from my head. I was looking for flip-flops when I rounded a corner in the store and saw a clown sitting at the end of the aisle doing obscene things with a balloon animal. This ‘clown’ was wearing a suit that had red and yellow polka dots and was wearing a gigantic clock medallion around his neck like Flava Flav, from the well-known black nationalist hip-hop group, Public Enemy. [THIS WAS WRITTEN TEN YEARS BEFORE FLAVA FLAV MADE HIS UNLIKELY COMEBACK AS A REALITY TV STAR.] He then kept whispering ‘Mommy! Mommy! I want to go to stewardess school.” Then, I noticed that an albino was laying next to him, behind a big box. He was wearing nothing but underwear and a polar bear mask. The albino flashed me the devil sign and they both proceeded to walk out of your store, right past the employee who did not seem to care about this sort of display. I will not rest until I get a full apology from your shoddy establishment. You all completely disgust me. I am totally outraged… ”

In my letter to Chi-Chi’s Mexican Restaurant I claimed I was visiting their establishment with my (nonexistent) family and we witnessed the following rude and obscene behavior:

“To my shock, the customers sitting next to me continued to make loud, horrifying noises and saying things like, and I quote, ‘I like to French kiss donkeys’ and ‘I want you to shove potted meat in my nostrils!’ … The woman at the table (who had an ugly ugly ugly piercing!) was wearing a t-shirt with a drawing of a nun in a G-string and habit, strapped to a rocket. The evening culminated, by the time we left, with one of the gentlemen at the table doing something I’m too embarrassed to write about with a pinata. … Perhaps you find behavior like that acceptable, but I certainly don’t. Suffice it to say I won’t be visiting any Chi-Chi’s establishments anytime soon… ”